In the wake of another fall season, I cannot help but look back at the beginning of this year and loose myself in the magnitude of the changes that have taken place. Somethings that seemed to be right feel so wrong, and the people that i imagined would always exist in my bubble of a life have quickly detached themselves from my small space. In the midst of it all I find that its just me now. My more introverted spirit distracts me from this reality but sometimes, like now for instance, in the nights solitude I remember this truth. I know that God is with me, and my family loves me more then life itself but when ur hurting inside, you have to just allow yourself to break and hope the peices can but put back together to resemble if possible the image you once were, that I once was. Im hopeful for the future, but the beginning of fall, as the beginning of winter, brings out a somber part of my soul. I want to be happy but I at times ignore the fact that its ok for me to be upset, that its healthy and to move foward I have to. When you loose apart of yourself, a person in your life you trusted and gave everything to, in many ways that person has to die to you. Ive never been good at goodbyes, so ive tried to hard to ignore this moment, I forget you...I keep you in a place that no one can take you away from but I know I have to let you go. so this is it, goodbye. I'll imagine that we're sitting on a bench on a fall evening in the park and I have the strength to tell you this. I hope you'll be happy, have children and grow old. Never experiencing the pains we both have endured again. I'll give you to God and allow him to heal me. Ill walk away and I wont give you the face I did the last time you walked away alone, I let u take me with u even though ud never know. Goodbye.
Life is not over, and has brought me some suprises. I realized my passion in life and for me if you know me you know im a women of many passions. Music and writing being my favorite, I always come back to my adoration for children and my strangely compassionate and merciful heart. In my eyes, if God can forgive me of anything I can forgive anyone else period, and somehow God has given me the ability to do this. I cannot stay mad at anyone ever and im willing to forget anything but my heart longs for justice. I want to work with hurting children who have no one to care for them. I want to give them love n I want to teach. I want to be that kindergarden teacher you remember when ur 25 and having that random conversation with your friend at starbucks. I want to make a difference. Its so encouraging to know what I want. Finally after 24 years I know, sometimes other people dont get that but I feel like a women who knows what she wants in life and isnt afraid to voice it should be cherished.
Im currently going through a weird stage due to stress n ofcourse skin issues I deal with continually but I am happy to say that I truly love myself. Im happy with how God made me, the way I look the person I am...I dont feel like there are many like me in this world and truthfully the world could use more of us.I dont want to be full of drama, upset, and obsessed with my body and flaunting it, but just be who I am...silly and sweet, wear the eccentric things I like and do the things I like to do..run, blog, read my bible, dance, sing, travel, be obsessed with my dog and overly festive during holidays, eat way to much sugar...whatever! Thing could be so much worse...someone really important to me told me that. Its scary when you meet someone you end up caring for way more then u originally thought you would and you realize your going to loose them but you dont want to. Thing is, I have the childlike hope that anything is possible, that even if prince charming left me that maybe he was wrong all along n theres an alternate part of the story thats thousands of times better, Like when bella is dying in breaking dawn but she gets to spend eternity with edward. Ok that was a stretch but I hope it was understandable. I guess I just dont want to loose a good thing if I dont have to, but you cant force someone to feel the way you do, so ill have to hold myself together...my walls together that is. I'm realizing that moving back to miami is my reality for now. I just want to finish school and move somewhere else...meet new people and start over...wish I could hold on to the ones I dont wanna let go of...not sure where I'll go but somewhere that will keep my skin warm and tan. I dont want to leave but I will do whats best and Ill find someone at one point who will hold my hand through it all, or when its all over. So hello fall, your memories keep me going and keep my heart warm, lets see what suprises you bring.
